Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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