Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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