Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
