We're like a lot better than the average bears
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
