Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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