First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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