I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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