God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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