I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
