So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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