:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
