You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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