Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
