i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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