dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
