she was so not down for the gang bang
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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