he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize