So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
