Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
tell me about the eggs
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