He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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