So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
