I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
