So drunk its hurt
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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