That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize