I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm always down for nudity.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize