I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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