I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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