What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
