at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
