T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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