Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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