Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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