aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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