apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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