he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
