I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
