Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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