dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
