We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
