and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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