He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
