I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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