this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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