dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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