you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize