Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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