I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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