True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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