Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
the liver wants what the liver wants
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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