I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
