This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
