i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize