He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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