how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
