Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
