no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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