He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
