some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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