At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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