Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
